​After my last newsletter about integration someone asked me a great and relevant question, which was "what does it feel like to be integrated?"
Her own experience was that not being integrated felt like pieces of her body were not aligned, and things felt as though they were off kilter. I thought that sounded about right to me.

It helps to know what it feels like when you are not integrated.  What I have found with my clients, and my own self is that we may not realize we are not/were not integrated until we achieve some level of integration.  Some of us have existed in a non-integrated place for so long, it feels quite normal and so moving towards integrating requires trust and courage to know that where you are heading, even if it feels weird or wrong, you are going in the right direction. 

I believe we can equate non-integration to not being grounded.  Some people know quite clearly what it feels to be grounded, and  know once they are grounded, they are also integrated.  

To be integrated means we can store the information we are constantly getting from our senses in the right places. For example, maybe we hear a loud noise and our immediate response is that we need to attend to that noise right away. But what if that noise has come from the TV, and is really part of a movie? It has already happened, we have no control over it, it was manufactured and not only are we in no danger from it, we can't do anything about it (other than turn the TV off), and if we are able to recognize that, it can be stored in the "acknowledge it and leave it alone" file. What if we hear a noise and it is right behind us?  Is it threatening or not? Is it benevolent or dangerous?  If we are grounded at the moment we hear the sound, we will be able to store that in the right place (defend yourself, run, embrace, etc). If we can store the noise  in the proper place, for example it needs  to be attended to, or filed away for use later, or discarded, we can integrate the sensorial experience into right action.  If we can not do that because we  are overloaded (information came too fast and we are confused) or we aren't physically healthy and we are depleted of energy (it takes the energy to discern and to recognize the source and proper response of the noise), if we are overloaded because other things have used our discernement muscle to capacity, we will instead respond in the way that "saved our life" once. This may cause us to shut down, or make a very wrong decision about how to respond, or we flood with emotion (think about a glass filled with water and you try to add more).

Creating space when you realize you can't integrate something (or everything!) will help.  You can make space literally in your body by physical movements (walking, dancing, yoga and other exercise). You can make space in your brain by stepping back and getting distance from the situation so you can see things a bit more clearly, especially to see how this thing may affect you personally.  We tend to think that things affect us personally first, then on second or third glance we realize it really doesn't, or at least not in the way we think it does. 

If we can make it a practice to seek integration we will see that all information, stressors, fears, can be sorted out and attended to, when our container is fit to do so.  When I shared several weeks ago that I needed to take a step back, my intention was to give time for everything to find its place in my being.   I do not want to shut out the news of tragedy, difficulty, pain and suffering.  I just needed to stem the flow a bit so everything could find its place. I have made some shifts to the amount of information I take in (yeah, it's a really intense time now, right?) but I still want to be engaged and aware.  And to do that means, for me, more time in practice and more time doing what I love, which is serving this community.    

This is a quote I recently heard during a lecture by yoga therapist Mindy Eisenberg. When I heard it I realized it summed up my experience since I first started practicing yoga, and is one of the things that has kept me at it for 35 year. Being in community heals so much of the fundamental pain and suffering we experience as humans.


Our culture has always been a culture of isolation. Now with the pandemic, our isolation is amplified. Some of the struggles that occur when we are separated from community may not be so obvious. Maybe you are struggling to finish something because you just can’t find the inspiration to complete the project. You might be letting your self-care slip by the wayside, and you might be exercising less and eating more. Maybe you find you have less energy and zest for life. Community (or Sangha, which is Sanskrit for like-minded community) can increase prana, and this prana is the fuel that pulls us up and out of tamasic (lethargic) place.
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Being inspired by others in your community can shift your perspective and lead to an uprising of joy. Experiencing joy from other peoples sucess is an amazing healing tonic. Our ability to enjoy that is a good sign of unity. Arriving at the non-dualistic experience which is attributed to a yoga practice is ironically often best understood by dualistic observation and engagement. Before we can go off to the forest or the mountains and live the life of a sattvic (harmonious) renunciate, we need to be able to look at all the mirrors our community holds up for us and see how we are reflected in the faces of our neighbors, friends and relations. In other words, we need to heal the spaces between "me" and "them" and in doing so we can begin to understand "me" and "them" is actually one and the same.


Zoom and other online platforms have become the medium for community gathering since the start of the pandemic. We really are able to transmit our concern, care and compassion for each other through zoom. I have experienced this. It may not be optimal, but it's what we have now. And it is also a matter of perspective. If we want to connect, we will connect, whether its over zoom, face to face or behind masks. So don't be concerned that connection to community wont happen over the internet, and try not to get stuck in the fact that it is not happening the way you want it to, or the way it was 2 years ago. We adapt because that is what we do - we are designed to adapt. If we look back at history, even let's say just 60-100 years ago, we can see how well humans can adapt and integrate the unthinkable into their lives. 


Remember: we are a family; we are a team. We can move through this pandemic together. No, we NEED to move through this together as humans. The first step is to show up and come together. Then we can work towards our common goal. In the context of our yoga practice, part of the goal is to care for ourselves so we can care for others. When we care for others we become less separate from others. As that separation lessens, we are being healed. This takes us back to community being medicine.


Many people over the last few months have asked me how I managed to keep the doors to Yoga Loka open given the fact that many similar small businesses have closed. I attribute this to us being a strong community that recognizes we are a team working together. Parts of the team may be focused on healthy aging and maintaining a strong body, or balancing and quieting their minds, or lifting the vibration and healing energy of the universe. We instinctively know we cannot do what we are doing alone. Even if you have never see the other people in your asana or meditation class face to face because you started after the lockdowns, or you are coming to private sessions, you are part of the team, the family and the sangha. We are all serving each other by contributing positive energy and health to the whole, and by lessening our negative energy output which inevitably effects others. 


The upcoming winter months are looking dismal, but don't give up! If you splinter off, you are without community. If you haven’t been for a while, come back! Sometimes we need to step away from the team to realize how much the community supports us. If you can’t afford to attend classes, let me know- we need as many people working towards a peaceful environment as possible! Don’t let finances keep you isolated. You are needed for the wholeness to happen. Your participation, in any community, is an essential ingredient in the healing balm this world needs so much. 

 ​Ask a realtor the best way to invest in real estate and they will say​ what matters is​ location, location, location. Ask a comedian what the secret is to good comedy they will say timing.  A chef will tell you the secret to a good meal is to use the best ingredients.  

If you ask a meditator what the secret is to a quiet mind, or a yogi what the secret is to their peace of mind, they will tell you "steady, consistent practice over a long period of time" (Yoga Sutras 1:12, 2:28) is the key to success. 

Th​is secret ingredient is probably why so few people have a quiet, peaceful mind!  I was intrigued by the title of this article, "Spiritual Bootcamp for Brain Health" by John Douillard.  It is a short article, and in it you will read about some practical and measurable side effects of spiritual practice​. These benefits may inspire you want to do a spiritual practice. ​​What do we do ​with this​ inspiration? The word Bootcamp, to me, implies ​really ​hard work​.  If you follow through with the work, you get results.  If you don't, you won't.  It is really that simple.  Location, timing, ​good ingredients, and consistency.  Those are the ​components of ​an effective Spiritual Bootcamp.  (Here is another interesting short article about training your mind)

It is hard to stay​ as​ dedicated as ​needed to get the results on your own.  The camp part of bootcamp suggests community.  Don't get upset with yourself when you can't do it on your own. It is not really expected that you do ​this independently at first.  You need guidance, constant inspiration, and the important thing is, you need to know HOW to do it​ because​ the sequence of steps is important, and can vary depending on the person.

I would like to relate a quick story to illustrate what I wrote above.  Our family got a dog in September. This is a new thing for me, I never had a dog before and so didn't know much about training one.  We did some reading, enrolled him in doggie kindergarten, and tried as best as we could to follow what we learned.  We found it hard to stay consistent, but fortunately our guy is well behaved and cooperative.  However the one thing we didn't ​master was how to call the pup back if he ran off after a deer in the woods, which happens to be his favorite pastime.  It is also a scary one, because sometimes the deer runs across a street, or far enough into the woods that we lose track of ​him. We made up some stuff to try to get him to listen, and the three of us did different things, and you guessed it, ​it wasn't work​ing​.  I mentioned something to a client of mine, who happens to ​be a dog train​er and she pointed me to a printed resource that I purchased. I made the whole family study it.  Poe t​he pup was grounded for 3 weeks while we all p​racticed the protocol for ​"​reliable recall​"​.  The pamphlet (which to me was like the yoga sutras of dog training) was explicit- you must do it this way for a long period of time.  Each step was outlined.  ​If it doesn't work the author wrote you needed to reread the pamphlet and do it again because you missed some steps. We followed it, and bam! it worked.  ​We know that we have to stay diligent and practice in between walks, and that we still need to reread the pamphlet.  We can see when he starts to falter.  This is not a one time thing​, he is growing and maturing, and he forgets, and sometimes desire to run over rides his current level of training.  Just like the mind and meditation, the training needs to evolved along with the practitioner if peace is desired. There are just too many distractions and enticements in this world of form, whether they are deer running in the woods, or fretting over an old story. ​

"I love that it is a small, consistent commitment I can make to ground myself in these strange times." Victoria C.

I love this testimonial from a student who has been taking the mini-flow classes.  It speaks to something that is vitally important these days of much-reduced physical activity, and contact with others. 
Here is another part of her email: "So glad you started this mini-membership. It has been a life saver, honestly."

I wanted to share a few things that helped me recognize the importance of small consistent commitments. Recently I listened to an interview with Dr. Daniel Leiberman. He is a professor of Human Evolutionary Biology at Harvard and author of the book " EXERCISED: The science of physical activity, rest and the pursuit of health.  (Watch this 11 minute video where he debunks common myths about exercise)  Dr. Leilberman touches upon a few important things in this video and book that are important for us to take note of. For one thing, he doesn't agree with the idea that  sitting is the new smoking. We shouldn't blame the chair, he says, we should look at what we are doing during those times we are not sitting. He says that even getting up to visit the bathroom has a positive effect on our bodies, and as such he encourages us to not stay stationary for too long and to make sure when we are not sitting we engaged in positive, fun movement. (yeah, like a mini flow class!). He also points out that when we get older we need to devote more time to exercise, not less.  His research on hunter-gatherer societies shows that the elders of the communities do not go off and play mahjong when they "retire"- they continue to actively gather, working towards the well-being of their families (the children and grandchildren). They remain an active participant in the families and comunity.  We are in fact the only species that lives to be grandparents, and that evolution did not happen just for the sake of sending off birthday checks and congratulatory cards and kisses. The physical activity of the "gathering" prevents grandma and grandpa from being vulnerable to disease and experiencing the negative effects of aging. And it does the same for us too, even if we are not grandparents or running to Costco to fulfill our kids needs!

About 6 years ago,when I was in my late 40's, my physical activity level dropped.  I no longer had time to take asana classes or move around much outside of teaching a class. I know most people think that I am constantly doing asana, but the truth is while I do practice yoga everyday, it usually does not include asana (poses). So back then I was doing a lot of sitting for meditation, and jumping in to demonstrate a pose here and there in a class (probably the worst thing to do!) but not much more.  I started to realize, the few times that I did get to take an asana class, that my body was getting weaker and I was losing range of motion. I had been under the delusion that my body would continue to be sustained by all the previous years of yoga and karate I had done. But by the time I got to like 52, this was obviously not the case any longer.  The biggest wake up call was when I started to zoom yoga classes and I had to do asana while talking!  Gulp, gulp, pant, pant... The random aches and pains, stiffnesses and loss of energy I experienced as I climbed through the 4th decade to my 5th started to make sense. I simply was not doing enough exercise and my body was aging in not such a graceful way. Since doing the mini-flows, which now means I am doing asana every day but one, I am happy to find my strength and suppleness returning.  Is it what it was in my 30's? No. But it's far better than it was last year at this time.

Now almost a year into the pandemic I am hearing from more and more people that they are getting stiff, weak, parts of their bodies are cranky, and their energy levels and mental states are not as robust and positive as they were 1 or 2 years ago. Given the personal experience I shared above and the myths of exercise that we have all bought into, I am not at all surprised that people are not making the connection between what is happening to their bodies and how they are using, or better yet, not using them. It is a worthwhile consideration to use our resources investing in what worked before such as exercise, yoga and other forms of self-care. We can seek medical testing and intervention, just to find that even the conditions that do require medical intervention are going to be enhanced with self-care, especially as it will lower your stress levels and improve your immune system. Or we can sit it out and let it all slide. After all, you are getting old, right? And this is what we believe getting old looks and feels like.

I don't think it is ever too late to decide you are going to take the path of action. We can all start up again somewhere and at any time.  If you have sat out for a while, know you are not going to come back in where you left off. While that may be frustrating, embarrassing, demoralizing or however you want to label it, it's not a good enough excuse for staying inactive.  Yoga teaches us to appreciate this present moment, so if you come back to the mat out of shape, stiff and unable to keep up, remember these words of Pema Chödrön  "As long as our orientation is toward perfection or success, we will never learn about unconditional friendship with ourselves, nor will we find compassion.”

(If figuring out how to join back in seems daunting, drop me a line. I am happy to try to give you some direction.  Even if it is not with a yoga class, I may have an idea how you can invest in your well being again.)
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I attended a very informative meeting about mutual aid. It was so inspiring that I wanted to share the concept of it with you- partly because these times are very difficult for so many- and those of us who are weathering the storm of the pandemic well are looking for ways to help those who are not. And here it is holiday giving time and we may be wondering the best way to share our abundance. Another reason I wanted to write about this is because I recognized that many of the concepts yoga teaches us are embeded in the foundation of mutual aid.
What is the difference between mutual aid and charity organizations? Here is an article that will explain it much better than I can - Mutual aid is essential to our survival.

Here are my big take-aways regarding mutual aid:

• We can find ways of sharing with communites to that encourage sustainability (we practice discernment).
• We give what is asked for rather than what we think is needed (we seek right action).
• We give without expectations of a thank you or other recognition (letting go of the fruits of our actions.)
• We ask for what we may need, thereby joining in the community and not holding ourselves seperate (unification).
• We remain humble (seeking to be of service).

Many of us are already engaged in mutual aid and may not recognize it. Money raised from the Thanksgiving class fundraiser went to two organizations committed to supporting and uplifitng communities. A few days ago I got a tour of the Open Door community food pantry that the Methodist church just completed. Pastor Peter emphasized that this was a place for ALL to come and take what was there. If you need butter to bake cookies, come to the pantry. If you turned vegan but still had pounds of butter you bought at Costco (personal experience), bring it on by. He wants to make sure there is no THEY and ME involved in this pantry, there is just US. He sent my daughter and me off with a tin of corn bread that I hear was amazing (but unfortunately far from being vegan.)  

Tia Ryans, who founded the Northern NJ chapter of All of Us or None, shared at the mutual aid meeting that the cards accompanying the Thanksgiving baskets were presented to the families of incarcerated individuals from the family member that was incarcerated. "With love from Daddy" may have been how the card was signed, not "brought to you by a bunch of well-meaning people you don't know". This emphasized the US in the community, not the THEY and US.

It is worthwhile to ask ourselves if our giving is serving, if what we are doing is empowering, and working towards healing the community as a whole.

All of us or None is seeking people to adopt a family for Christmas. You can choose to donate money, buy gifts or deliver baskets. You can find more information here. Pastor Peter asked me to spread the word about the pantry to all good people. Come and receive something, or drop by and leave something. You can find the pantry behind the Methodist Church on 3rd street in Frenchtown. It is housed in the small building therein the back of the parking lot and you can access it 24 hours a day. You can donate to the church here.
There are many worthy mutual aid programs sprouting up. Grassroots organizations are uplifitng communities the government has overlooked. It is not good news that there are so many communites in need, but it is good news that we can find a way to reach out directly, and that mutual aid organizations are stepping up to bring people together.
All good news that is available these days is worth spreading!

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Listening:
 
That is what I have been doing these past 2 weeks, listening, reading and learning about the injustices that have led to the protests happening now.  There is change approaching, and it is time to listen to the people who are leading the way, and to investigate where we personally stand and what action we are willing and able to take to assist that change.  I am heartened by the protests and regret I have not been able to attend more of them.  There was an absolutely beautiful vigil in Frenchtown this Saturday, hopefully one of many, and if you missed it you can still view it on Facebook.  
 
The Yoga Sutras is always a relevant teacher, and it outlines the way we can approach taking our place in this movement: Effort and discipline, (Tapas)  self-study  (Swadhyaya) and surrender  (Ishvara Pranidhana) leads to higher consciousness.   (YS 2:1)
 
We see so much effort going into the protests and demonstrations now, and we need to appreciate and acknowledge the efforts that have been going on by organizations, such as Black Lives Matter, for years. There is a lot of work being done to try to shift broad understanding and educate those in power, while standing strong in the face of oblivion, retaliation, and denial. The practice of looking into my own ignorance falls into the practice of Tapasia (Tapas), because to stay on the course of finding truth rather than ​default to ​the answer that keeps things OK and familiar is hard and uncomfortable, and it does take discipline to approach those uncomfortable places again and again.  Another discipline​ is​ to stay in contact with sources that educate​- ​this takes​ a surprising amount of time, and it takes​ time away from  things​ one might rather be doing​​. It takes discernment ​to figure out what is education and what is inflammatory.  Discernment is an outcome of touching a level of inner quiet that requires quite a lot of practice. Staying current and awake, present and aware, requires discipline​ and consistent practice over a long period of time (YS 1:12 and 1:14)​​​   
 
Swadhyaya (self-study) has many parts- one of them being to listen to our internal dialogue and the conversations around us. To really listen, without "hearing" what you think should be said, or what you want to have been said is not easy.  It is often uncomfortable to hear what people are really saying, especially if we have missed it before.  That is how I feel now, uncomfortable because I did not previously "hear" the inequality happening, particularly in regard to law enforcement.  Now, after 2 weeks of protests and demonstrations and lists of hashtags dedicated to people who have lost their lives due to their skin color, I can't understand how I missed the injustice, the pain, the anger, the fear and the frustration of so many.  Believing myself to be a person who has good intentions ​and an open mind ​is just not enough. ​ I have to also recognize and confront the places in me that are similar to the places that are so repugnant in the people and institutions I find unjust. We all have those seeds of hate and cruelty, it comes with a human body.  We may not be actively watering them and nurturing them on a large scale, but whenever we feed them, just a tiny bit, we add to the matrix of hate, oppression and fear.  And to stay in the place of self-inquiry without going into shame or guilt is important as those two directions are just distractions and will not serve anything other than more self-absorption. So I have to watch that I don't take my discomfort over my blindness and feed it in those directions, (for me it can also easily go to blame). I have to funnel my discomfort, when I see it, towards a more productive outcome. And to do this work, I have to keep looking for it.
 
Understanding HOW we listen is important too. ​ One person, when challenged about an action they were initiating, responded with "Well, that is what would make me feel good".  That is not listening, that is cementing ​one’s​ own agenda. It’s true that sometimes the action fits and is right, but it is not a sustainable strategy if one is seeking truth, it is more like playing the odds- sometimes you will hit it but mostly not.  A friend of mine who is a POC in LA wrote that her boss, who is white, told her to take the time she needed to grieve.  She said it was unexpected and exactly what she needed, and she let him know she respected this immensely and how much it meant to her.  I do not think she even knew that is what she needed- but somehow, he did. That is listening. Self-study should both precede and proceed action. We will always make mistakes.  Self-study helps us to integrate those mistakes and ​gives us a broader​ understanding of how ​the way we​ think ​fits us​ into the picture​ we want to see​. Sometimes we are right on, sometimes we are far off. Maybe that boss in LA didn't know if what he was about to say was the right thing- but he went forth with it and listened ​for her​ response.  ​If​ we ​make a mistake and ​were wrong about an action, and we get called out, we engage in Tapasia again, because it is hard and uncomfortable to be told you were wrong.  Tapasia implies heat and, being wrong and admitting ​it​ without getting defensive can cause a lot of heat.  There is no progression if you can't sit in that place. About 15 years ago, I unintentionally injured someone who meant a great deal to me.  Just because it was unintentional doesn’t mean it wasn’t wrong. (I think that is very important to highlight).  This was a tremendous time of growth for me as the wrong-doing was not completely clear to me.  I tried to apologize, but I couldn’t really because I didn’t get the ​full i​​implications​ of my action​.  But I really wanted it to be over. ​(I think we are seeing this with some of the statements company’s are coming out with in the past few weeks, many of which sound meaningless).​ So I tried over and over again to apologize in all different ways, and over and over again my apology was ignored.  It took about ​a full year of me asking myself for clarity ​and being coached towards the truth by a friend, (who I begged to tell me what to do and she refused, saying I needed to see it myself or I wouldn’t understand it, and it would have no meaning to the injured person). I began to understand that it was not up to the ​person I wronged to explain it to me, to try to make me feel better about it, etc. I​ began to ​understand this burden I was putting on the injured person was not helping the situation at all, it was only causing more injury. The task was fully up to me to reconcile in myself first and then impart my understanding to the person I injured.  I remember​, after about a year, a huge wave of surrender ​to my ignorance ​came over me, I can't really describe it other than that, and then it was done. Surrender was first, understanding came, and then reconciliation followed.
 
Surrender (Ishvara Pranidhana) can mean so many different things (like above)- but what is should not mean is surrender to ignorance or apathy.  It is not the surrender that comes from us thinking "Well what can I do anyway? Things have been like this for so long, I am not in power.... “ etc.   What are the things that keep us in ignorance?  That is what we are trying to get to, and​ that is what we want to ​ surrender.  We see in the fight for racial equality many people don't want to surrender their power and their place in the world to make room at the table for others.  In order to give power to others we fear we will lose something.  Most likely that is dominance​,​ which is often misunderstood as power.  There is a lot of fear in letting go of dominance, after all fear is inherent in dominance​-​ fear gives birth to dominance.  ​When we are truly in power (empowered), ​we can surrender because we don't know and want to know- we can surrender because we care and we don't know how to show it, we can surrender to the possibility and experience of heartbreak, because we want to act from our heart, not our fear.​
 
I am sure by now you have been flooded with resources on where to give money, where you can get a list of actions to take, who is holding peaceful protests in the area.  (If you have not, I would suggest starting with the Black Lives Matter website. It has day by day actions you can take and many other resources if you are interested in educating yourself more about racism and how to be a part of the solution).  I am grateful that I am being mentored by a great group of spiritual seekers who have been doing this work for decades, and they are sharing a lot of sources that I feel comfortable trusting. I hope my sharing this writing opens up some conversation with those of you who are reading.  If you want me to share some of the resources I have been learning from please feel free to contact me, also with any thoughts you have and anything you would like to share. 

Let us move into this journey together, with our eyes wide open and our hearts ready to be broken.